Associate Professor of Computer Science
PhD, Psychology, Harvard University
Interests: Investment, Actuarial Sciences, Ordinary Differential Equations
Highlights of Modern Science
I am proud to present to you here some highlights of modern science. These new advances renew our faith in the rapid progress of human endeavor. These topics are:
When terrorist guns are blazing, the NSA sure is glad
When their bombs are bursting, they loot the treasury like mad
When terrorist guns are silenced, the NSA is no longer gay
As when terrorism is abolished, they can't steal your wealth away
(NSA Theme Song Sung to the Chorus of when Irish Eyes are Smiling)
Opportunities exist at the high school, graduate, and undergraduate levels. It used to be that human knowledge was thought to be bounded and incomplete. It was thought that humans were limited and only GOD knows all. However, due to modern advances in information transmission and cryptography this is now entirely passe. As an employee of the NSA after thorough security clearance and 6 months of study you wll know almost EVERYTHING. There will is less limit to your knowledge concerning humans than anywhere else in the world.
The information from the new 5 zettabytes (5 billion terrabyte) will be immediately transferred to your brain. You will have recorded every conversation, every state of dress and undress every act birth, death, sex you name it imprinted on your brain occuring in the last 30 years so you can adequately serve the NSA master Keith Alexander. While human cryptography and codes are passe and have been cracked by the NSA, you will be tapping the sex lives of the intelligent Reptiles on Alpha Centuri and the frogs in the Orion Nebula. While knowledge is boundless, and human cryptography is obsolete, you will be obliged to allow terrorist events indeed plan new ones given their almost total non-existence in the U.S. Having the knowledge hitherto reserved to GOD you will have to work in mysterious ways. Beside without terrorist events the NSA will not be able to fund the angels (read contractors) and lead disciples at the NSA at the tune of 1.2 trillion dollars a year.
This is top secret information so I may be subject to elimination by the NSA Q Group. What more does the NSA need to know? Like God we may be omnisicent in that we have access to ALL information but unlike God our processing is still primitive. All we can do is flag by keywords and metadata which still leaves out a lot of information. However, how more effective would ad campaigns be and how more able would the state be able to crush dissent in the bud if detailed sophisticated content analysis was possible. Our smears could go back into childhood not get easy prey, like Eliot Spitzer, Gary Hart, David Patreus. We would have stopped Bill Clinton as a childhood politician. We hire interns because the job is demanding and like all modern American Businessmen we feel that worthwhile original work should be its own reward. The successful intern will be able to analyze in real time the content of a message by computer from text and see if its relevant to dissent, increasing competition for American monopolies or ruining a poltical career. Presumably, with are modest resources available to us mentioned above we will able to improve our processing. We hope you will take part in this exciting endeavor: making political smearing, blackmail, and crushing dissent a truly scientific enterprise.
As an intern at the NSA you will participate in seminars on trenchant current topics. Our recent seminars include.
1. Effective ways to destroy political careers through illicit sex: the timely dissemination of data
2. Targeting potential and furture activists by nurturing addiction.
3. Mining the NSA Database for election and commerical marketing efforts
4. Increasing divorce settlements through data mining and modification.
5. Methods of thought control III
--the successful control of Congressional and Media Opinion
6. Methods of augmenting Funding through Increased Anxiety and Fear -- terrorism scares as a media tool
But these are only a few virtues of NSA practise. The NSA enables the President to hear you when you want to be heard, the NSA helps conquer loneliness, it even allows you to fulfill erotic fantasies. We are holding a contest for the best song 1, 2. Here is my own humble submission: words, tune.
E-mail Address: (firstname.lastname@example.org).
I appreciate your mail and suggestions.